Several
weeks ago I wrote a long article about the crimes that the WGA and SAG-AFTRA
have committed in the last several months. As you might recall for several
months the labor stoppage has been held by many on the left and certainly by
the guilds as a battle for organized labor and the working man when it truth,
as we all know, it was little more than a shakedown by the overprivileged for
money and job security in a shriveling market.
I
accused them of these crimes and now I am prepared to pronounce sentence. As a
fan of Gilbert and Sullivan, I thought the punishment should fit the crime and
provide a sort of innocent merriment. However, I’m not as sadistic as the
Mikado and I actually think this punishment will provide more amusement and
relief.
First
let me address the WGA and SAG-AFTRA to tell you something you really need to
understand before I pronounce sentence. No one, outside of your little bubble,
really cares what you have to say about politics or social justice. You already
know Republicans hate everything you say just for the sake of hatred but you
might be shocked to know that the Democrats really don’t like you that much
either, though they’ll never say so.
See ever
since JFK, your power and influence has never been as extensive as you
think. You sure as hell never helped get
Democrats elected from 1968 to 1988 and there’s an argument you’ve been
deadweight most of the time in California. You haven’t really helped in the era
since California became a solidly blue state and it’s not like your influence
really extends beyond LA. Certainly Taylor Swift couldn’t get Tennessee
Senators elected in 2022; I’m not sure it’ll help Gloria Johnson. The Democrats
also know that having you around has hurt them with the white working class
voter who thinks you are coastal elites, and don’t kid yourself that’s exactly
what you are.
And for
all the leftist causes that you embrace, I can assure you the left abhors
nearly as much as the right does. In their quixotic thinking, once anyone has
the ability to command the spotlight for important issues, they must be too
powerful and privileged and therefore unqualified to talk about it. This will
go basically for even the people they consider oppressed everywhere else:
minorities, women, LGBTQ+. I know, many of you worked for your privilege and
wealth and it made not seem logical. That’s how the left thinks.
However
both of these groups are willing to hear you out and use you as a fundraising
tool because they want to use your name to fundraise. For the Democratic Party, who can not always
count on the corporate interests, you guys will do in a pinch for a fair amount
of cash at a Hollywood fundraiser. There’s a reason Democrats from Iowa and
Missouri will call for you even if they don’t like your work: they need your
money.
For the
left, they want your money to go to Democrats for a different reason: it’s not
so much they want Democrats in office as they want Republicans out of
office and they’ll take any edge they can get to achieve that goal. I’ve always
thought their opposition to campaign finance reform is lip service: the only
free speech they’ve ever wanted is theirs. If Citizens United had a codicil in
which only Democrats benefited, they would have hailed it as a landmark
decision for the good guys. They
tolerate your opinions even when they agreed with theirs but in private they
consider you dilletantes who don’t know what you’re talking about. They want
your money nothing else.
So with
that in mind, here is your sentence. Now that the strike is over, you can make
public appearances discussing your projects in the media. From this moment
until after next year’s Presidential election that is all you will be
able to discuss in any media conversation, red carpet walk or awards show. As
far as the Presidential election, the war in the Middle East and Ukraine,
domestic policy, foreign policy, really
anything that happens other than something involving your film or television
show, you have nothing to say.
I can
assure you, despite your high opinions of yourselves, the world will keep on
spinning: even TMZ knows signing a statement demanding that a ceasefire in
Israel take place is a token gesture that will have no effect on foreign
policy. I realize it will be hard on you to refrain from commentary on
elections, but don’t worry you can still attend to the private fundraisers and
sign emails for the DNC and other causes. That’s all they really want: your
name and the money it might bring.
However,
there must also be an element of shame going forward. During this period every
time you appear on a talk show, red carpet or awards show – really any public
appearance – the footage must include a subtitle of how much money you made on
whatever project you are plugging. You have spent the last several months
claiming that you are like the working stiff striking for rights at Amazon or
Starbucks and so on. But because the public has a short memory, we need to
remind them that such is not the case. I’m
tempting to make it public that you show us your tax returns every year from
this point forward but it’s not like your hiding how rich you are.
Now for
Fran Drescher and Duncan Crabtree-Ireland, the heads of the SAG-AFTRA
negotiating team. Your punishment must be more humiliating given your
ridiculous actions in the final weeks of the strike.
First
for the remainder of your tenure in leadership – and for the rest of your lives
afterwards – both of you must at all public functions and SAG-AFTRA gatherings
wear the current Netflix logo on your clothing to remind the world that you
reacted to the idea of a levy on streaming customers by telling them it would
only cost an average of 57 cents apiece.
That it is currently a scarlet letter is a happy coincidence and it will
remind all those who might subsequently have their rates hiked about your
attitude towards this.
Furthermore because of your stubbornness at
the negotiating table, thousands of Hollywood workers who were not fortunate to
have a union to meet their needs were without income. During the weeks before
you returned to the bargaining table George Clooney, representing a group of
power players, made an offer of $150 million to persuade you to return to bargaining
table. Mr. Crabtree-Ireland, I believe you said it would not change anything.
Furthermore, President Drescher during this time of travail, you were one
issued a very public memo reminding SAG-AFTRA members that they could not wear
Halloween costumes of trademarked characters. I’d like to say the humiliation
on SNL was enough but it isn’t. Not even close.
So for
every Halloween forward for the rest of your lives, the two of you must be seen
in appropriate costumes. Drescher must always
wear the costume of Fran Fine and Crabtree-Ireland must wear George Clooney’s
costume from Batman and Robin. You know, the one with the visible
nipples. Furthermore, like the children
of your youth who collected money for UNICEF, each of you must go from household
to household of every single person you caused to economically harm over the
last four months who work in your interesting and give a portion of your salary
to each one of them. Mrs. Drescher, you will also contribute whatever residuals
you are still getting from The Nanny in perpetuity to their families for
the rest of their lives.
Finally
Justine Bateman. Earlier this week you made a comment that SAG-AFTRA should reject
the deal because it did not have appropriate protection for AI. I find that ironic
because you haven’t been acting regularly in television since Easy to Assemble,
in which you played yourself. You’ve
written two episodes of TV, one short subject and one movie. If your
younger brother said something I might be more inclined to take him seriously
but then again I guessed he turned traitor in the eyes of SAG-AFTRA when he
signed his deal for Ozark.
You must
now appear in every version of Celebrity Jeopardy that airs for the rest of
your life. However in all of these games
your competitors will be James Holzhauer and IBM’s Watson. Furthermore, if you are in the red at the end
of Double Jeopardy you will not be allowed to compete in Final Jeopardy and the
donation to your charity must come out of your own pocket. And that charity will
never change. You will give all of your funds to the DGA, which accepted this
same deal that the WGA did six months ago.
As for
the two films you currently have in post-production, you shall waive your
salary and give all of it to the staff who has not worked in the months since
the strike began. For every project you write or direct in the interim, all
residuals you might receive will be given to anyone who works in the film who is
not protected by a union. I don’t expect there to be much money.
This
punishment will carried out in some respects to every member who votes against
this and it has not escaped my notice that the people who have voted no, among
them Anne-Marie Johnson and Shaan Sharma either aren’t acting regular or, in
the case of Sharma, have worked in a series that are primarily foreign
productions and therefore have other jobs to go back too. I grant you their career may be in residuals
but it doesn’t change the fact that three of the most prominent no votes haven’t
worked regularly or successfully in a very long time. I’d say you could use
your forum to complain about this but see the first punishment. And to be clear
there are less fortunate people than you in Hollywood. I grant you some of them
might be working more regularly than you are right now but you don’t get to
take your career frustrations out on the less fortunate – which to remind you,
you definitely are compared not only to the people in Hollywood but also most
of the millions of Americans who don’t have the time and energy to seek out films
like Violet.
By the
way Justine, I saw your movie. As penance
for this argument your membership is now made probationary until you make a
film that is actually worth being a feature-length movie. And for the record, how many of the effects in
that film were done by human hand?
Here
endeth the sermon, the satire and the series. This has been as much an exercise to deal with
my very real frustrations with the strike.
I am, at least in theory, in support of many of the goals at the core of
that the unions were working for. But as
someone who has been able to see what has been going on in Hollywood for the
last several years and, more importantly, knows that the problems in Hollywood
pale in comparison to so much of what else is going on in the world today, it
has been infuriating that I have found myself over and over taking the side of
management.
We must
also take into account that neither side could blame the real responsible
parties: the viewers. Part of this is
due to the business of Hollywood but just as much is the responsibility of the consumer. I’m going to write about the problems with
streaming programs in a different article in the aftermath but at the end of
the day, everything that it is going wrong with the business of Hollywood has
to at least be partially laid at our doorsteps.
As I
said, actions have consequences and not just for everybody in the industry. If
America had not decided to embrace streaming and reject almost every other form
of programming, much of this would never have happened. Hollywood is a business and businesses job is
to do what the consumers want. And we
wanted to watch all of our shows on our phones or our computers or anywhere
rather than on a TV and we didn’t want to pay for it. Part of this is because Hollywood does deceive
us that it’s not a business but most of us is due to a simple fact: we’ve never
cared about any product we get as long as we can get fast, efficiently and in
our houses.
Billions
of dollars were lost during the past several months and the average American
only cared when it inconvenienced them.
And we will forget because the viewer never cares about anything that
goes on outside their own world. The sad part is this strike was waged as so
many things over the past several months because neither side could ever blame
one of the key responsible parties. How could they? They were the consumer. The one group neither side could afford to
isolate even though they were indifferent to the parties who were fighting or
what they fought for. All they wanted was their product.
Let me
put on my fan’s hat again and reaffirm I love much of the work you do. I never liked streaming for many reasons and
have always preferred watching it at a set time and place. Even in the era of
streaming I still buy DVDs of series and films to this day. I appreciate your
craft. But I am in the minority and this will always be the way. Your war may
have been epic to you but it was always going to be insignificant in the lives
of Americans even those who watch your product. They never cared enough during
the war; they won’t care now that’s over.
That’s the sad truth. No one won
and everybody lost.
Anyway
now that it’s over I can get back to doing what I love. I hope you can do too.
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