Introduction: We all know the expression: “Laugh
so you don’t cry.” I live in New York. I
saw a lot of footage last night on TV and I’ve been trying to process a lot of
things for a while. This is the only way through for me. This isn’t meant to be
taken seriously which means that no matter how I label this column, people
still will. I’ll probably have to deal with it seriously, but not today.
Peaceful
Progressive Quote of the Day
“Extremism
at the expense of liberty is no vice! Moderation in the face of tyranny is no
virtue!”
Whoopi Goldberg at a cow pasture in San
Francisco
Good afternoon, my
fellow warriors. Before I begin my address let us observe a moment of silence
for those of who gave the ultimate sacrifice of having their cellphones taken
away while we were being hauled off to holding cells so they could not live stream
our arrests on Instagram.
Looking out on
this vast field of students, I see people of all groups from the wealthy white
students to the middle class white students who got her on a scholarship. I see
students who overcame immense hardship, such as having to type their admission
essays on a laptop to those who had to take their SATS three times to get a
mark high enough to qualify for admission. I see students who have come from
the worst and most backwards parts of the world such as Montana, Mississippi
and that most goddess-forsaken land of all, the non-Austin sections of Texas. I
see people who have worked long and hard minutes researching their papers on
google on such difficult and complex subjects as Racism in The Negro Leagues
and The Laissez Faire Economics of Cuba. I see people who have spent hours and
hours haranguing their professors and teachers to turn their D- papers into A-
and after being hauled off by security, posted anonymous twitter threads to get
those same professors cancelled on social media.
I see a group of
students who in their vast life experience of anywhere from 21 to 22 years
clearly and completely understand the geopolitical world and the values of
society infinitely better than every single recorded generation in human
history, from those who existed as long ago as twenty years ago to those who
graduated last year. I see people who understand that the world is and has
always been irrevocably broken since man climbed out of the primordial slime
and refused to acknowledge that there were as many genders as we say there are
now.
In all the
millennia that have gone by since then, civilizations have all failed and all
forms of government have been disastrous for the simple, inescapable truth. Not
a single one of those people who lived thousands of years ago was smart enough
to have the values that we do today. Every single person who has lived on the
planet before us, whether they be slave or slave owner, white man or
suffragette, abolitionist, civil rights marcher or those have made any progress
in society in what we call ‘the past’
did not, as we know, truly accomplish anything of meaning.
It is a truth that
seeps down to every level of America’s society. Every single ‘great leap’, from
the wheel to art to exploration to what we laughingly call ‘democracy’ was
always designed to do more to repress society then it was too liberate anyone.
Apologists will claim that the men who wrote the Constitution were working on
the best framework that they had a time. As we all know that is just an example
of stupidity. If our ‘founders’ were so smart they would have amending the
constitution as symbol as downloading an app on your phone. Those who say
things such as that telephones didn’t exist back then are racists apologists
and we have disregarded them.
Over our lifespans
we know that this is by far the hardest period in human history to live in and
that America is the most fascist society on the planet. We have learned that
every generation who has lived before us has been racist, homophobic, misogynistic
and guilty of maintaining a white supremacist state. I mean, how could the
generation before us tolerate three different white actors playing Spider-Man?
But what can we expect from an era so backwards that they paid to go
to movies? And watched television shows on cable?
Long interruption
of assent with murmurs such as ‘My parents still watch TV shows on Netflix.”
I know, I know,
it’s amazing we’ve come through as well-adjusted as we have. And as we all know
we’ve proved again and again these past few months. After October 7th
we knew first hand where the greatest source of evil in the entire world was.
Sure most of us couldn’t find Israel on a map before that and some of us still
can’t and most of us think all forms of religion are archaic and stupid but we
all know one indisputable truth: whoever is in charge of the government of any
country around the world is automatically wrong and all of their actions are
repressive and illegal. And those of us who didn’t know that heard somebody say
that they’d heard from somebody who’d seen it on TikTok and as we all know that
makes it an undeniable and irrefutable truth.
Then our
generation did what our generation has done best. We formed an opinion that fit
with our doctrine of belief and we stuck with it regardless of what was anyone
else tried to tell us. Then we did what has always made the greatest leap
forward in our society: long, loud demonstrations with simple catchphrases that
were easy to repeat and we didn’t understand the meaning of.
We were aided by
the university professors on this campus who agreed with certain parts of our
world view and are therefore the only trustworthy authority. Because they have
spent their entire lives in academia rather than in such worthless pursuits as
‘government’ or ‘democracy’ we knew that were completely informed on the
methods they told us about. And they were completely trustworthy. Our history
professor told us that he had spent 1968, breaking windows, screaming at
policeman and throwing pigs blood on soldiers to stop the Vietnam War and just
seven years later, the war ended. And our literature professor told us how his
work for George McGovern, the only respectable politician, had single-handedly
led to him carrying the state of Massachusetts in the 1972 election. Their
credentials were impeccable when it came to accomplishments.
They told us that
the best way to accomplish things was to make loud demonstrations, scream at
anyone who passed by call everyone who tried to make reasonable debate ‘a
fascist’ keep chanting about the
imperialistic state, and make the campus’ so unsafe that the University had to
close them down for the rest of the semester and hold commencements as virtual
events. Many of these professors graciously agreed to cancel all their classes,
stop marking our papers and even make appearances on TV arguing for us. Some of
them have even been making tours out of state defending us while telling us
exactly what to do over the phone.
It is a shame that
none of the professors or advisers who helped us with these protests could be here
this day. But we will honor them in
spirit with their request to delete all of texts and communications with them
from our phones.
I remember the
last conversation I had with my media studies professors before he decided to
go on the run in the West Indies the night before we were going to storm the
academic halls. “Some of us are beginning to have doubts about the mission,” I
told him. “They are afraid that they will be expelled from college, that they
might go to prison and that their entire futures will be destroyed on what some
of them – not me – consider a symbolic gesture that won’t change anybody.”
I’ll never forget
his inspiring words. “People will tell you that these marches and protests
drive away more people than they win to their cause. That none of this will
change anything that happens in the Middle East. That the reporters who’ll want
to cover the story will have to divert it to these protests. That moderates and
undecided voters, who might swing elections this year, will be isolated by what
they see on TV and vote Republican or not vote at all. That we are creating the
fascist dystopia we are trying to prevent.”
“But as you know
as well as I do, those people are racist simply uneducated idiots who have
spent their whole lives working for a system that you personally benefit from but
don’t have to give anything back towards in return. They believe in primitive
outdated ideals such as ‘free speech’ and ‘equality for all’ and ‘democracy’.”
“You know in your
hearts the same thing that me and my fellow leftists have believed for
generations: the only true society we can accept is one that is utterly
perfect. Where people who have a different point of view then us are not
allowed to have an opinion because they aren’t smart enough or are too old or from
the wrong part of the country. Where the
only people allowed to have a voice are the people who agree lockstep with
every part of our agenda, even the parts that we invent on the fly. Where we
can grant equality for people of all races, genders and sexual identities as
long as they agree to accept every other part of our agenda, even if it
conflicts with their own personal beliefs. Where people are excluded from
society not because of the color of their skin but because of the content of
their character – specifically our character.”
“Until that time
we must do the only thing that can propel our society forward: meaningless,
empty gestures that don’t win hearts and minds but make us feel like we’ve
actually accomplished something. And we must keep in our hearts our certainty
that the definition of progress is doing the same thing over and over and
getting the same results.”
And of course like
all of us here today, that instantly assuaged my doubts. I mean, it’s not like
I was going to do something stupid like vote in the next election.
(Laughter for more
than a minute.)
And now we stand
in the aftermath of a historic victory. I mean some people – such as our
parents – might question us. “You were expelled from college. You’re facing
criminal charges for trespass. You destroyed your future. And for what?”
Such backwards
thinking is to be expect from people who still get their news from TV. Because
we all know what this long and costly battle got us. Before this protest on
April 18, we had 798 followers on our social media page. And now, we have 811!
(Cheers and
screaming fill the throng)
And sure in the comments
sections there are a few voices of dissent and the hashtag ‘useful idiots has three million followers linked to the footage
of our protest. But we made national headlines. Sure a bipartisan accord
condemning our actions passed both Houses of Congress unanimously and the
entire board of our college had to resign. And yes, my parents have told me
they will never speak to me again and my grandfather who helped liberate
Buchenwald suffered a stroke when he heard the news and died, but all of these
are the cost you bear when you’re doing your part for the cause. I’m still not
sure what the cause is but I know that you have to be on the right side of
history even if you don’t know the particular history or what the sides are.
That is lesson we
all need to take away from this as we go into tomorrow as we take on the burden
of applying for jobs at 7-11s across the country. These are the battles we have
fought and will keep fighting, impervious to reason and sure in our
self-righteousness. Remember as we go forward our battle cry
“Solutions are for
idiots!”
I’ll see you all
in three days at the Impressionist Exhibit at MOMA for the climate change
protest. Remember to bring your permanent markers and bright red paint!
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